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barkon

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barkon  

Denied Medicaid/Tennecare because I am White, Single, Childless, Cancer-Free, Yet Disabled????

Tennessee and Tennecare say I can't have Medicaid because I answered these questions that would have qualified me had I answered differently. Have you ever been married? NO
Do you have any children? NO
Are you Hispanic or not Caucasin? NO
Do you have cancer? NO
Sorry. you do not qualify
Are you disabled? YES
Do you have Medicare? YES
Sorry, that is considered other insurance even though no it does not cover your bills and many medical professionals do not accept.
What the heck?? Just had double mastectomy. Require phsychiatric appts and meds, and am going to have to have another reconstruction?????
Does this seem right??

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barkon  

Comment: Cassie, You HATE to be ignored?...

hateful reply- you must be a very unhappy person-ugly inside out!
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barkon  

hATE lIFE TOO mUCH

I have to have a do over reconstruction. a capsulotomy. I am afraid. Mini dachs lost december 23- her sister now has cancer found out this week. Her name is Grace. So scared of losing her after losing Maggie after surgery last time. I want to die with her. I am tired, no gamily left, relationship sucks, amd i am getting less and less functional. I hate my life.
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barkon  

Through

This is horrible and ungrateful to God but I am so ready to die. If I had the money, I would pay someone to do it. They have won. I have tried and tried to forgive, tried and tried to understand, tried and tried to get back up, but I can't and I am miserable and I just want to never feel this way again or everything be so hard. It was not God''s plan for me to have a good family this go round. No one knows what it is like to not be loved by your folks till they are not loved by their family.Ya da Ya da family of choice. SOmething is wrong with me that makes me so sad and alone. I wish only for peace and for finality. They can have the ego win. It dies not matter any more. I am pleasing to no one in this world.
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barkon  

Hear My Cries God

My father died a year ago today. He disinherited me, but not my three sisters. My double mastectomy from Dec. went bad. Got cellulitis and encapsulated. Do over in a month. Need prayers, heal and increase my lands. Medical bills unreal, but still can't get TennCare-Medicaid- though I have Medcare and Disability. I know this is just a sounding off place. Just prayers.
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barkon  

Will Life Ever Feel Normal

December 15, I had a double mastectomy, and reconstruction surgery everyone thought went well.
It was my younger sister's birthday, the one I am close to, who moved away for good I fear. I did not hear from her Thanksgiving, Birthday, or Christmas. So different, life has gone dark. Then Maggie one of my miniature dachschunds, on December 23, lying behind me on the bed went renal failure and shock and after rushing her to the emergency clinic, we had to let them put her down. My sweet itty-bitty. I miss you so. 14 yrs, U qould have rawled up on that table and said here take me instead, but my mind knows what the heart cannot comprehend, Death must come, and it often comes so quick, changing life forever. In grief, I spent Christmas alone.
Then I developed cellulitis on the right side and felt I would literally die, and you can I later found out. I have completely shutdown. I have not been out in 5 days. There is so much swelling, and I must come to terms with my body and how surreaal all this feels.
I no longer see my therapist because she had said she had thought of sending the police to do a safety check. Not exactly what someone with PTSD wants to hear could come from left field. I never want to be in a Psychiatric Hospital again. It is like being in the belly of the beast. My worst phobia realized, entrapped, life is dark.
I see my psychiatrist for meds I comply with except when I run out and I am too down to move. I have spiralled to the bottom. I hope you are happy Daddy. You will be dead now on March 11 a whole year. I am failing and don't really exist in the world or to the world just as you intended when you disinherited-erased-reduced me.
The credit card people won in court because I had no legal help past the motion to dismiss I wrote myself. The Sheriff came for Court cost. I told him I am disabled and had just had this operation, that all I receuve is social security and he does not even cover the medical bills that are bankrupting me. I do not even have a checking account because I no longer could manage. One person and my pets keep me alive. Without her or them I would certainly walk off the earth. Nothing feels safe, normal, consistent, stable, not the world, life, or me. I am so sad so alone and nothing feels good. I used to dream,hope, have goals, but even the closest of loves, my dog's and cat's, are painful as they grow old and leave me tragically. I fear I will never recover financially, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Sometimes I think you can just experience too much pain and loss here, that there is more that has gone to the other side and is waiting that is good. Just my dog's, cat's, and grandparent's, and maybe my God though I am no longer sure what that is I once looked forward to going home there, beyond, where all that made good in me waits. I no longer need anything. That is what scares me. Not even knowing I must need to be.

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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

Teach me to believe

Hi Starshine thankyou. That poem is actually derived from a Sylvia Brown Book. I can't remember the name of it but it was one of her earlier ones and it gave me

hope when Junior died in 2001, my other bassett who was only a year old and grew too big for the cancerous half kidney he was born with and without the other. I hope she is right. I miss all my animals I have lost and sometimes, especially with Richie, I was ready to go with him. One of my miniature dachshunds just had thyroid cancer removed and her sister has cushings disease. They are 13-14. I have told myself I will go with them to keep myself from dying inside anymore. My other cat is 14, a dog 12, 10, and 8-9, and 5 and a half. They go so fast. Thank you for reminding me. I was a Philosophy major and it is hard not to be pessimistic after existentialism and death and dying classes. My senior thesis was disproving Descartes Cogito Ergo Sum- I think therefore I am. I said I think therefore I think. I am a spiritual, sensitive and not sure if good or bad a person who has many alter states that believe and don't. I want to believe. I don't wish to see my father in heaven, but I don't think he went there March 11, 2010. Still, maybe that is why I am here-because I don't want to know. Thank you again. Emily

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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

Life has Gotten too Hard, nothing is better

 in response to Starshine...   Thanks Starshine. I am an agoraphobic. I am too weary to try to meet or trust anyone new right now. Thank you though. I just need to vent it out because it goes on and on relentlessly.


Bests,
Emily
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barkon  

Life has Gotten too Hard, nothing is better

I am so tired of trying so hard to just live or want to. I take my meds, listen to my therapists, and try to stay busy though I have mental disabilities that keep me from functioning in the real world. They have checked for lesions in my brain and have not located yet though I do have an essential tremor, headaches, ego state changes, and memory problems. My dad died this year disinheriting me and it is not about money so much, but I feel so much pain. My sisters3 are all in the will and trust but I got sober 15 yrs ago and my dad didn't. I could not go around all that alcohol and alcoholism. I hear ya "whoknew" on the medicare stuff, but the truth is it still sucks to get dropped by your provider b/c the govt doesn't reimburse them enouhg. I am having a double mastectomy on the 15th. I needed a support system in place, not one pulled out from under me regardless of money. It is all a moot point. I'm super intelligent so you don't have to break it down for me so simply. It is the higher moral dilemma I refer to when I am in crisis. and I'm in crisis. I'd be on the street if my best friend did not help me. Or dead. Two stays in the Psych ward were enough to tell me I had better be serious if I ever try again to check out. I thought I was serious and I burned journals and got my affairs in order, made out my will, and I am still giving my stuff away because I think that is were I am headed, I have lost hope there is help out there or on these pages. I'm tired of hurting so much. Fema helped with the flooding issue from MAy's natural disaster, and two of my pets have died in the last year and a half that I had 15 yrs. I have been taken to court by debt collectors who have maliciously harrassed me by driving by my house, parking across street. Nobody cares. They think I was paranoid till I showed them pictures of care at lawyers office only 1.8 miles away though they wrote me from arkansas. Such discete and yet I have so many med bills and the majority of the bill was late charges, overlimit charges, and interest that went on for over a year and a half. I don't even have a bank account or assets. The doctors wrote judge but he did not have any compassion though I have been legally disabled since 2002 and diagnosed with a paper trail since 16. I am 45 this week. I just want to be taken care of this time. I feel 4 or 5. I can't be big anymore and what alternative do I have. I can check out or keep being this way. Everyone says it will get better, but it has not. Something else happens like this mastectomy stuff. My body hurts, I am bipolar 1, rapid cycling, PtSD, sever, and straight up DID. I hate eing this way and I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. I had a breakdown and I am so smart and so gifted, but I just can't function in the economic world, nor society really. I want to give up everytime I walk out to the garage and see the rafters and the ties that old the ladders up. One is down and sometimes the blue cord brushes my head as I go by like a vine reaching for me. I'm not psychotic, just sad and really really tired of my life. I've tried to read all the links and find something anything else that fits, and nothing. I wish God would just take me like Jacob's ladder so I don't have to do anything to get to a better place. I hate being this negative and down, but it is the truth.
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barkon  

Disability=Debt and Powerlessness

No one ever expects or "intends" to have hard times or become disabled. I was very successful, and I use that term lightly, and then I got sick and could not pay my bills. Credit card company started coming after me for late charges, over limit charges, and interest. Took me to court using some other account billing and judge gave them a summary judgement because I could not go. My doctors sent letters, I wrote judge explaining disability, death of father and dis-inheritance, and overwhelming medical bills that will include the double mastectomy I have to have next month all to no avail. It seems our judicial system is short on disability compassion and laws when it comes to the ruthlessness of collectors and the hardships disabled adults encounter when they never intended or would want to be disabled. I never saw myself in this place. I wish more people would have compassion and appeal to their local judicial systems to lend and ear and also lend some concessions. The debt collector's office is 1.8 miles from my home and they randomly drive by or park across street. I have nothing more to give. There is nothing to take and their actions make me frightened. It is harassing, but legal, though my doctor wrote them that it was harming me. They are going to take me to court again I know and legal aid says there is nothing I can do. It has made me consider dying to get out from under the pressure of becoming disabled with no family support. I am white, have never been married, have no children, and therefore, TENNCARE will not even pick up what Medicare will not. I am private paying for some of my health care, getting max food stamps, and paying for meds no Medicare will pay for because I have been taking for years and they can become addictive. I have been sober for 15 years and yet I did not expect this level of dysfunction. We also had the bad flood which destroyed my beautiful garden that was my therapy and peace. Metro Nashville Water messed up the yard drive and concrete and they did not fix. It feels like I am under attack. I can't find help- I just don't fall into their criteria just right and therefore I have become quite hopeless. I wish TN Governor and Nashville Mayor would look at the mentally ill and disabled adults falling through the cracks because the system is so impersonal. People like me are invisible and it appears dispensable. I wish laws in TN on Disability were enforced more stringently so bottom feeders like Capital One would be called on unethical and malicious harassment and operations that go against the help they fraudulently offered last year on TV. They are exploiting those who no longer have the resources to fight back. I am one. The system leaves you with the option of bankruptcy you can not understand or afford. The thing is i have tried so hard to negotiate and get better and there is no healing. I hope I make it to a better place where I don't have to fear these debt collectors or loath myself for falling so far.

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barkon  

land, trees, peace, a haven for a troubled mind with a poet's heart that dreams of the sacred

wish land with some tree, a treehouse, greenhouse, or shelter that is off grid. a place to wander, grow food, write and paint.
would fix up old barn, silo, cave. need peace to be in this world, conservation or greenbelt

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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

About emilye

 in response to Elaine of TSA...   thank you Elaine. I read several of your post. I am on SS and Medicare, but I should be dual eligible for Medicaid because I am mentally disabled. TNCAre won't give it to me. I've tried and tried. Barely get by. Still, I'm here!
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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

wishing for help to afford a place of peace

 in response to Starshine...   All my family lives by the beach but they used to live in TN and NC. I could go a little warmer like a beach too, in California or something. Reminds me of studying in Ireland. The coast are very similar.
I will have surgery in Dec. should have last month but cancelled. Have had 5 surgeries so time to just clean the slate at the best hospital in the South.
Family history- 4 great aunts, grandmother, sister at 41, other grandmother ovarian at 36-died-grandfather and uncles-prostate-we are one of those cancer families ya know? Have always know I would do this. First surgery at 30. I am afraid, but it is the right time and I won't have to get all the dye MRI's every six months and ultrasounds and mammograms. This came up 3 months after last one and was excited b/c had been stable for two years on left side, which you aim for, and then this was different and showed up on right. Have a great Oncology Surgeon who is well published and did two other surgeries. Had to get a diff plastic surgeon for reconstruction b/c I was uncomfortable with other. They gave me Head of Dept. The Best. Was a God thing. Thanks for thinking of me and any prayers. Have had a hard few years-flood-lost two pets- city messed up my perennial garden with storm water easement- father died in March and disinherited me- now this. I'm a survivor. Quit school, ran away but went to college eventually-had my own business, got sober in 1995, couple knee surgeries, bilateral carpal tunnel surgery, 5 spinal blocks, 5 breast lumpectomy/surgical biopsies, bulging disc. Lost my grandmother whom I loved, my best dog Abbey,Junior, Domino, Richie, my cat, my Aunt killed herself, and I am osteracized from my family. We are The Faulknerian metaphor- The Lost Eden - The Lost South. Thus, my desire for tranquility and peace. Thanks for caring. I almost let it make me numb, almost made me dead, but I'm still here for some purpose yet to be revealed.
Hope you find your beach!
Emilye
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barkon  

wishing for help to afford a place of peace

I WOULD love to live on a small acreage of land and try to be self sustaining= build a small greenhouse, a treehouse or cabin, cave home or something with maybe small creek. want my dogs and to do my art. i want an eco home. green. solace, peace, i'm disabled mentally from a choatic childhood and disabilities mentally/ but all i need is the haven in country, wilderness, mountains of tn. and fresh air=sunlight and not to be afraid anymore. I get ss and am having double mastectomy. I want a simple easier life where it is quite. i don't need much or fancy.

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barkon  

dropped by psychiatrist b/c medicare does not pay enough

my psychiatrist just bugged out b/c it is not profitable to see medicare patients. What the hey. another search, another rerun. it gets old.

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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

About emilye

 in response to Elaine of TSA...   Thanks. i get ss for mental disability, but need medicaid and all money goes to nedical bills. Just looking for an easier way to jump all these hoops and source of income for living cost. I checked out Pt advocate and will see if they can help. thank you so much
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barkon   in reply to barkon   on

Teach me to believe

 in response to Starshine...   Thanks Starshine. Richie had kidney failure too and I had to put him down and he let me know it was time. I have six dogs and another 14 yr old cat, Dublin. Still, my connection to Richie was profound. He went blind and he would put his paws on the sides of my face and hold it like he could see into my eyes and heart. Yes, many believe a book is right, I just haven't been able to lay it down there are so many lives to tell. Thank you for caring and sharing. I hope you also find peace with the loss of your baby. Bests, Emily
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barkon  

Teach me to believe

I have exhausted all the sources I know. Was disinherited this year and am so weary of jumping hoops to get meager SS and Food stamps. My bills are great medically cause I need therapy and Fixing to have double mastectomy. Medicaid said I am not medically eligible but I receive disability for Bipolar, and PTSD. Have 14 yrs sober, but am tired and want to give up. Lost my cat this year that I had for 15 yrs and the flood came thru my front door. Would be on the street without friend. I want to live again. I want a real life. So tired of being tired, scared, sick, and poor. IGBOK but still it gets tiring. Need some help, advice. a little God with skin. A government that cares. I did not get here by myself.

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barkon  

About emilye

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